Wednesday, January 16, 2013

"Best Day Ever!" said the Diabetic, Bariatric, Geriatric, Blind Guy

I'm linking up with:

Yesterday I was up at 4 am to get ready to take my mom to a neighboring town for surgery. My diabetic, bariatric, geriatric, more-than-slightly blind father stayed home alone... in their assisted-living apartment building... where there are lots of people and staff around to help him out.

My mom and I left town at 5:15 and got back to their apartment around 4:30 pm. It was a long day.

When I asked my diabetic, bariatric, geriatric, more-than-slightly blind father how his day was he said, with a smirk on his face, "It was fine."

Pretty sure, as I'm piecing his happenings together, his day was more than "fine." Pretty sure he had a fantastic day. This is what I think he would tell you about his day...

"Every single day of the week I have to do what The Warden and The-One-Who-Would-Be-The-Chosen-One-If-She-Had-A-Ding-Dong  tell me to do. (Well, I don't actually do what The Warden tells me to do, but I have to listen to her tell me what to do. All. Day. Long.)

Even if I already have to go to the bathroom when she says, "You should go to the bathroom before we go down to lunch." I don't go. And, yes, five minutes later when we are in the dining room, I have to get someone to take me to the bathroom. On a good day The-One-Who-Would-Be-The-Chosen-One-If-She-Had-A-Ding-Dong is eating lunch with us and she takes me to the bathroom... I save $15 every time she helps me.

Anyway, yesterday The Warden had surgery and was gone all day. It was a the best day ever.

I mean, I was worried about her, don't get me wrong, but not too much.

Here's what I was loving about my Warden-Free day:

I'm loving that... yesterday the apartment was quiet. Well, it was quiet until the staff came to give me a shower and get me dressed. They said I was perky... they said that while they were getting me dressed. I think they meant that I was talking more. Who knows?

It was great. My wife couldn't answer questions for me. It was up to me to make conversation, and it was fun to be the Big Man, well other than being fat, and making the cute young things laugh and smile. They thought I was hilarious and studly, I think.

I'm loving that... I used my walker to get out of the apartment to my wheelchair... I wheeled myself down to the breakfast room after I already ate the breakfast that The Warden laid out for me in the apartment and someone helped me get coffee. Someone also gave me a cookie. (B's (broads?) love to give me cookies.)

Before I left the breakfast room I wheeled my chair around the perimeter of the room and found the source of the cookies. Pretty impressive for a blind guy. There was a big plate of cookies. I ate three more... well, more or less... probably more.

I'm loving that... no one was around to count the cookies I ate.

I'm loving that... someone had propped my apartment door open so later when someone went by (yes, my family thinks I'm blind... but...) I yelled, "Polly! I'm sticky!" I got help. Yes, she figured out I had eaten the orange The Warden had left me for breakfast and another one that I found on the counter. But I don't think she'll tell anyone. I hid the peels in the garbage disposal. No one will ever know.

I'm loving that... I got myself down to lunch... all by myself. I couldn't find my watch and I couldn't read the clock on the stove so apparently I got myself down to lunch an hour early. All the old broads here were impressed, I could tell. And I didn't hit the call button on the elevator by mistake or the alarm button... first time for everything. Neither did I get stuck in the elevator and pee my pants. I've heard that could happen.

I'm loving that... The Warden was gone and I was in the lobby with all the women. I call it "dipping in the candy dish." Why do I call it that? Because this is what I was dipping in:

The macabre humor of putting a funeral flower arrangement by the candy bowl the
diabetic, bariatric, geriatric, more-than-slightly blind guy delved into was lost on him.
I'm not loving that... Crabby Patty was sitting in the lobby near the candy dish (I didn't know... I'm blind... I couldn't see her.) I only knew she was there when she screamed at the top of her lungs in a loud, shrieking, panic-stricken voice, "Get him away from the candy!"
For a minute I thought The Warden was back.

I'm loving that... I ate whatever I could get my hands on. It was great. The Warden and The One Who Would Be The Chosen One If She Had A Ding Dong will never know.

I mean, yeah, my blood sugar tonight was nearly 300... that's high... and I'm so thirsty from all the sugar I ate that I had four glasses of lemonade tonight.

I'm loving that... I'm pretty sure I won't wet the bed tonight..."

I sure hope he's right. I will be here all night...


  1. Ha! Great post! Sounds like your dad had the day of his life.


  2. Ohhh my gosh, you could write a book with some of these quotes! I love it!